One of the things that usually ends up being the most frustrating waste of time is sifting through my emails. I get so many of them, and the majority of them are complete rubbish! So I thought it would be useful to explain why this is so annoying and also describe how to contact a sex worker CORRECTLY, so that everyone is happy!
Sorting through these emails, replying to the seemingly genuine ones, ignoring or deleting the rude/stupid/illegible is a huge load of unpaid labour that drives me up the wall. I know that when you are self employed and you don’t have a team supporting you, that you have to do everything yourself. I know and accept this. But I can’t think of any other type of work that elicits such huge numbers of morons deliberately trying to waste my time. It feels like “wasting the time of random Dommes online” has become a huge kink in itself and I am NOT here for it!
Mostly it’s the rude ones that get to me. The rude, arrogant, entitled, creepy or just downright bizarre. The flaky, the uncommitted, the unsure – I don’t mind them as much because I understand that it’s a big deal bringing your deepest sexual fantasies to life, and the thought of discussing it with a complete stranger can be really daunting to some people. It’s the ones who have no intention of ever actually showing up, they just want to wind me up for a cheap thrill, or the ones who are so disgustingly entitled and rude and demanding, that really grind my gears. I know people are rude in all walks of life but the sheer audacity some of these men have when communicating with me is one of the many reasons I am moving from front line SW into a more supportive and behind the scenes role.
The rude, the arrogant and the entitled need to go off somewhere and get themselves a good therapist, and find out why they think it’s acceptable to behave in this way towards other human beings. For those of you who might just be shy, nervous or just not sure how to approach a SW online, here are some pro tips and suggestions:
- Be polite! I cannot stress this enough. Just because you are talking to a SW it does not mean that you get to speak to them with disrespect. SWs are human beings just like everyone else, and they are offering something that you want – that’s why you are reaching out in the first place.
- Read! Most of the stupid enquiries that I get can be answered by simply reading my website. If I don’t reply to you, it’s possible that it’s because you’ve asked a question that I have already provided the answer to – and I hate repeating myself.
- Be clear, concise and honest. If you haven’t done this type of thing before, say so. If you have a particular idea or request in mind, say so. If there are things that you need or want to avoid, say so. I am forever saying “I’m good at my job, but I’m not a mind reader”! I expect and encourage open communication from the very start, because if I have to expend any energy trying to figure you out when you could just tell me outright what’s on your mind, I will be unlikely to see you anyway. You could even just say “I’m finding it difficult to articulate my needs, but I am interested in xyz…” – then I know that you’re just nervous or unsure rather than being deliberately difficult, and I can adjust accordingly.
- Keep it simple. If I open an email that’s 12 paragraphs long I’m not going to read it. I don’t have time for that much unpaid labour! Similarly, if It’s one or two words long, I won’t respond either. I am not here to coax your desires out of you. A paragraph or two MAXIMUM is all that’s required to get the ball rolling.
- Respect. I can’t believe I have to even point this out, but this is something that isn’t always forthcoming when dealing with potential clients online. For example, I might get asked if I can include several different activities in a session. Some of those will be just fine and I can cater to them with no problem. Some I may not have the necessary equipment. Some I may just not want to do. If I say I’m not going to do something, THIS IS NOT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO CHANGE MY MIND. I will not budge on my personal or professional boundaries, and if I say no, I mean NO. People need to learn how to hear “no” without freaking out about it.
Don’t get me wrong, at this stage in the game the stupid and ridiculous emails have just become comical. They do make me laugh because some of them are just so BONKERS I cannot fathom how a grown adult has sent that out into the world without a second thought. But long-term its draining and tiring, and as I mentioned before, a huge waste of time and energy that could be more effectively used elsewhere. It can also be very upsetting – I’ve had my fair share of deeply disturbing communications from men that shouldn’t be allowed near anybody – and as much as I don’t wish to travel through this life being suspicious of every email that comes my way, I have had to be, for my own safety. So if you feel like the SW you are emailing is a little grumpy/unfriendly/terse, then I hope that this post may help to explain why that might be. Education is elevation and I hope that you now understand a little bit more of what the day to day life of a SW can be like.