Late night thoughts…

Posted: February 13, 2014 in The Truth Behind The Fantasy
Tags: , ,

…no, not what you’re thinking you dirty buggers!

It’s 04:43 in the morning and I am producing on ChatGirl. Kimmy Haze is in on the overnight shift with me and I thought I would take this moment to write a little about “babe show” work.

It is not easy! Behind or in front of the camera. In front, you have to make sure you look appealing and fun and alluring for the duration of your entire shift. This is, of course particularly hard when it’s late night or early morning – any kind of shift work messes with your system regardless of what you are doing on said shift. You also have to entertain all manner of callers, act like you haven’t had 28 identical phone calls already or just been asked the most strange and unusual thing you’ve ever heard of (how on earth can you get off to THAT?!), and on top of all that you’re feeling under pressure to rack up a decent amount of minutes to make it worth the companies’ while to continue giving you shifts. You end up twisting yourself into all sorts of odd positions in order to display the parts the caller wants to see, hold a phone, and stop yourself from falling over. If you’re on a television show, rather than a web based show, you have to be aware of, and ensure you are adhering to, Ofcom rules and regulations – not doing or saying anything too rude and depraved, not showing anything too explicit, and so on…big fines are in place for breaches of this nature and your producer won’t be happy if you foul up!

As Kimmy has just said to me, it would seem you have to have multiple personalities in order to be a successful babe show “babe”. You have to be all things to all people. Whoever is on the end of your phone has a perception of you in his head; you’re his fantasy woman for the next five minutes and in order to keep that caller happy you have to pretend that yes, you’d really love him to shove his (clearly exaggerated) 15 inch penis right up your backside while he’s wearing his wife’s knickers and bellowing like an injured wildebeest.

They don’t care that you’re tired, or fed up, or bored, starving, dying for a wee or aching like buggery downstairs. To them, you’re not a real person with thoughts and feelings – much like those poor buggers in your car insurance or mobile phone customer service department that you scream at when they’ve fucked up somewhere – you’re an outlet for their deviant desires and wanking whims.

Of course that’s a generalisation; you do get lovely callers who know you and follow you and do just call up to see how you are. That is however the minority.

On the other side of the camera, it’s also not an easy job. You are required to make sure girls are on screen, on time, with a phone logged in and ready to go. Keep the camera on the right spots, zoom in when necessary, move every time the girl moves, make sure they’re not sitting there looking and feeling bored. Keep an eye on minutes and callers coming through. Promoting the show on various social networking and industry websites. Taking lots of pictures to accompany said promotions. Hurrying them back off their breaks or toilet visits. And so on. When it’s quiet or the girl is on the phone, you’re pretty much left to your own devices, which is hard when it’s late and you’re sleepy.

There really is a lot more to it than just sitting there shaking a phone.

Now tell me it’s not a real job!

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